


The Letter

by Maraudererasmut



Series: Wolfstar Shorts [29]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst and Humor, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Attacks, Depression, First War with Voldemort, Hogwarts, M/M, MWPP, Marauders, Marauders' Era, Mental Health Issues, No Smut, Pack Bonding, Panic Attacks, Poor Remus, References to Depression, Remus Lupin Needs a Hug, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-23
Updated: 2018-10-23
Packaged: 2019-08-06 12:43:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16387958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maraudererasmut/pseuds/Maraudererasmut
Summary: Exhausted from their road trip, Remus Lupin returns to his parents' place, ready to relax. He finds a letter from Hogwarts and isn't thrilled about its contents.





	The Letter

**Author's Note:**

> This story ties in directly to Reaching Out. I definitely suggest reading them one after the other, although it is not absolutely necessary. 
> 
>  
> 
> Remus struggles with his mental health sometimes. For this short, I really wanted to emphasize this struggle, his emotions, his response to stress. He's always trying to keep his cool and seem like the mature one of the group, but he's got a lot going on inside. I've never really written anything from that perspective, showing what it feels like to panic and break down completely, so I hope I was able to get the emotions across accurately. 
> 
> Anyway... enjoy this adventure into the depths of Remus' troubled mind.
> 
> Warning:  
> This does have references to self-harm and anxiety attacks. I've written it as realistically as I could, so it may touch on some not-so-fun stuff. Just a heads up.

Remus arrived at his parents’ home, exhausted and defeated. The trip had been perfect, right up until their worlds collapsed before their very eyes.

 

James, Remus, Sirius and Lily had gone on a muggle-style road trip, sleeping in tents, roasting marshmallows, attending a muggle concert. Everything had gone as planned until the reality of the war crept past their rose-coloured glasses and gave the group a brutal awakening. The four students watched while muggles were tortured by Death Eaters. They had been backed into a corner, almost losing their lives. Worst of all, Regulus was there. Sirius hadn't known that his brother became a full-fledged Death Eater until that moment; he collapsed in on himself, fully overwhelmed with feelings of guilt and shame. Sirius blamed himself for his brother's fate.

 

Remus had spent the past night at Potter Manor, trying desperately to help his boyfriend heal, to bring Sirius back from wherever his mind took him. It was a fruitless task that resulted in two frustrated marauders and a catatonic Sirius.

 

As Remus walked through the door of his parents’ home, Mrs. Lupin called out to him from the drawing room.

 

“Remus, sweetie! How was your trip?”

 

Remus stopped, realizing where he was. He collected himself, putting a forced smile on his face.

 

“It was great, Mum. The band was really good.”

 

“That's wonderful to hear. I'm glad you enjoyed yourself!”

 

That was the extent of their interaction. Remus loved his mother, but their relationship was limited to small talk and doting. Remus had never felt comfortable opening up to Hope Lupin, and she returned the favour. Emotions simply weren't discussed in the Lupin household.

 

Remus headed up the stairs to his bedroom, tossing his bag on his empty chair and falling gracelessly into his bed. It took a moment for him to notice the envelope that was resting on his pillow.

 

Sitting up, Remus grabbed the envelope and examined it. It was clearly from Hogwarts, the seal on the back bearing the tell-tale crest. Remus opened it up, expecting to find his book list for the school year, grateful for the distraction.

  


_Dear Mr. Lupin,_

 

_We are pleased to inform you that you have been selected to serve as Head Boy. Your school record shows that you have exhibited quick-thinking in stressful situations, the ability to lead others, and the bravery that Gryffindors have long been lauded for._

 

_We are certain that you will continue to be a model for your peers and will take your new responsibilities seriously. Enclosed please find your Head Boy Badge, which should be worn on your school robes at all times. Congratulations!_

 

_Sincerely,_

_Minerva McGonagall_

_Head of Gryffindor House_

 

_And_

 

_Albus Dumbledore_

_Headmaster_

 

Remus let the letter fall from his hands, a vacant expression on his face.

 

_Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit._

 

Trying desperately to keep himself from panicking, Remus put his head between his legs and inhaled deeply.

 

_Shit shit shit shit crap dammit shit._

 

A deep inhale.

 

An exhale.

 

_Inhale._

 

_Exhale._

 

_Crap crap crap crap crap crap crap._

 

It wasn't working. Remus could feel his chest tightening. He could feel his pulse increasing. The room was spinning, the walls closing in on him. He couldn't breathe.

 

_Shit shit shit shit shit shit crap shit crap._

 

_Inhale._

 

_Exhale._

 

Hands shaking. Vision blurring. Ears ringing.

 

_Inhale._

 

_Exhale._

 

Breathing shallow. Mind fogging. Head splitting.

 

Remus dug his nails into his thighs, squeezing tightly, braking skin. He needed to snap himself out of this. He needed to bring himself back.

 

Pain shot through his legs and he gripped tighter, relishing in it. It was a pain that could help bring him back to reality.

 

_Inhale._

 

_Exhale._

 

The room steadied itself.

 

_Inhale._

 

_Exhale._

 

The ringing stopped.

 

_Inhale._

 

_Exhale._

 

Remus could feel his chest loosen, his pulse returning to normal. He looked down at his bleeding legs and stained shorts, feeling ashamed. He hated himself. He hated the way his body responded to stressors. He hated his mind and his broken brain and the way that he always panicked.

 

Remus got up and changed his shorts. He grabbed the letter and ran downstairs.

 

“Heading out, bye Mum.”

 

“Remus, where--”

 

He was already out the door, not bothering to explain anything to his mother. He needed to leave, to get out, to go somewhere. He needed Sirius.

 

The bus ride to James’ parents’ place was a complete blur. Remus followed his instincts, not realizing he had arrived until he was staring up at Potter Manor. He approached the front door and hesitated for a moment, trying to figure out what to say.

 

_Help, I got the greatest honour you can get at school and I'm too much of a failure to accept it._

 

Remus closed his eyes and tried to shake the thoughts from his mind. He needed to remain steady, at least until he saw Sirius. His boyfriend would know what to do.

 

Reaching a timid hand to the door, Lupin knocked, hoping it would be Padfoot who answered.

 

“Oh, hello Remus!”

 

Mrs. Potter appeared at the door, a kind expression on her face. Remus smiled weakly, clutching the letter tightly in his hands.

 

“James is out back, practicing. You're welcome to walk around!”

 

“Actually, I was hoping to see Sirius…”

 

“Oh, he's actually out right now, I'm sorry Dear. I'm not sure when he'll be back. Come inside, you're welcome to wait here if you'd like!”

 

Remus looked down at his hands. He really didn't want to see James right now. He didn't want to explain why he was upset.

 

“I… can I wait out here?”

 

Mrs. Potter stared for a moment before smiling gently at the young man before her.

 

“Yes, of course. If you need anything, please don't hesitate to ask. Would you...like me to tell James that you're here?”

 

Remus fidgeted with the parchment in his hands.

 

“Uhm… is… is it okay if we don't tell him?”

 

Mrs. Potter's smile remained, calm and understanding.

 

“Of course, Dear. Again, if you need anything, you can always ask.”

 

She closed the door, leaving it unlocked in case Remus changed his mind. He sat down on the front steps and waited, reminding himself to take deep breaths, trying to keep his mind from wandering. He had been sitting in front of Potter Manor for half an hour before Sirius pulled into the driveway on his motorbike. Padfoot didn’t notice his Moony sitting on the steps until he was almost halfway to the house.

 

“Moony…?”

 

“Sirius… I…I don't know what to do…”

 

Remus clutched the letter in his hands, willing himself to remain calm until he was alone with his partner. He knew that he needed to keep himself together, at least for the time being.

 

“Moony, what’s wrong?” Sirius rushed over to his boyfriend and sat down beside him, swinging an arm affectionately over his shoulders and pulling him in close. “Talk to me, Moons.”

 

Remus looked at Sirius and his eyes began to water. He closed them tight, took a deep breath, and leaned into the hug, trying to let the smells of leather and smoke wash over him.

 

“Moony?” Remus kept his eyes closed. He needed to steady himself before he said anything. “Remus, what’s wrong? _Talk to me_.”

 

“Can we… go inside?”

 

“Yeah...yeah of course. C’mon.”

 

Sirius stood up and practically lifted his boyfriend to his feet. The boys headed inside the house and up the stairs to Sirius’ bedroom. Mrs. Lupin remained in the kitchen, giving the boys a wide berth, allowing them their privacy. Once in Sirius’ room, Remus sank into the bed, head between his knees. He handed the parchment to his boyfriend, who hastily grabbed it and read it through.

 

If Sirius had read that letter a year ago, he would have laughed at Remus, amused by his state of panic. After all, becoming Head Boy was an honour and would provide the Marauders some interesting adventures. But Sirius knew better now. Padfoot had spent enough time with his Moony to understand exactly where he was coming from. Remus would never be able to handle the stress of being Head Boy: everyone knowing his name, people watching his every move. His absences would get noticed and people would talk. They always talk at Hogwarts.

 

“Why the _fuck_ would Dumbledore make you Head Boy?!”

 

“ _Right?_ ” Remus looked up at his boyfriend, grateful for his understanding.

 

“You’d think he’d realize what that meant! You’d think he’d understand that it’s not something you can do...”

 

Remus flopped backwards, covering his face with his hands. He had no idea how to handle this. He couldn’t be Head Boy. He couldn’t hold that kind of responsibility. He hated himself for not being capable of functioning like _normal_ people, not being able to accept what most students would consider an honour.

 

“What do I do, Pads?”

 

“You tell Dumbledore to fuck off, is what you do.”

 

“I’m not going to do that, Padfoot.”

 

“So tell him to choose someone else. Hell, I’ll go with you if you need. We can go there right now. I’ll fuckin’ fly you to Hogwarts if I have to.”

 

For the first time all day, Remus smiled. He knew he could count on Sirius to lighten the mood and make things feel easier to handle.

 

“You don’t have to fly me to Hogwarts. Although I wouldn’t mind borrowing an owl, if you have one…” Sirius gave Remus a guilty half-smile. “Right. You haven’t bought one yet, have you…”

 

“I just never got around to it…” Sirius knew he needed an owl after his family kept his old one, but he hadn’t been bothered to go to Diagon Alley yet. “We’ll just borrow Prongs’...”

 

“Prongs can’t know.” Remus was firm. James was understanding, but Remus knew he’d try to convince Moony to take the position. He’d say something stupid like _“the responsibility would be good for you, Remus!”_ or _“You’ve improved so much since we were young. This’ll be easy.”_  James was impulsive. He never questioned his actions or drowned in self-doubt. James had no idea what it was like to second guess his every decision, to hate himself and everything he did.

 

“So Prongs won’t know. I’ll tell him I’m sending her to Peter or something. Hell, I’ll tell him I’m sending a letter to Andromeda. He’ll eat that shit right up.”

 

Remus sat up. He only just realized that he had been completely selfish this entire time. Here he was, prattling on about his problems and his issues, completely forgetting that Sirius was struggling with his own challenges. It had slipped Moony’s mind that Sirius was supposed to meet with his long-lost cousin today.

 

“Oh, Pads… I’m sorry…”

 

“What? What the fuck are _you_ sorry for?”

 

“I… I forgot… You’ve been… You’ve been dealing with your own shit. I shouldn’t have put this on you…”

 

Sirius laughed, sitting down on the bed next to his boyfriend.

 

“Don’t be an idiot, Reme. This sucks. You can be upset. And I’ll be here for you. I’m always here for you.”

 

“But…” Remus looked down at his hands, playing with the hem of his shirt. “But things with your brother--”

 

“It’s fine, I met with Andromeda today.”

 

“I know… how did it go?”

 

“Really well, actually. James was right. But don’t tell him that.” Sirius smiled. He reached out and took one of Remus’ hands, lifting it up and kissing it gently. “Reme, I’m fine. I promise. We’re dealing with _this_ right now. We’ll talk about my stuff later.”

 

Remus smiled. There was something different about Sirius. It was almost as if he was growing as a person. Almost like he was mature.

 

“Right now, we have to tell Dumbledore to fuck off.”

 

Almost.

 

“I’m not telling Dumbledore to fuck off, Sirius. But I will tell him that I am declining the position of Head Boy. He’s going to have to choose someone else. I don’t want it.”

 

Sirius leaned in and kissed Remus on the cheek.

 

“Eh, close enough,” he whispered, smirking.

 

Remus stood up and walked over to Sirius’ desk, rummaging through it to find a quill and some parchment. He sat down and began writing his letter, firmly but politely informing Dumbledore that he will not be accepting the role of Head Boy in the following school year. Sirius walked over to Remus and kissed him on the head.

 

“I’m proud of you, Reme. You handled this well.”

 

“You should’ve seen me before…” Remus muttered.

 

Sirius wrapped his arms around his boyfriend, leaning into him as he wrote his letter.

 

“I didn’t need to see you before. I know exactly what it looked like. You probably panicked. You probably freaked out for a bit. Then you decided to come here and talk things out with me. And here you are. Feeling better. Feeling calmer. Tell me I’m wrong…”

 

Remus stopped writing and leaned back against Sirius. It was nice being with someone who knew him so well.

 

Moony returned to his parchment and Padfoot went outside to ask Prongs about borrowing his owl. When the letter was finally sent off, the two boys sat down on the bed, backs against the wall.

 

“Pads…”

 

Sirius waited for Remus to finish his thought. He knew better than to interrupt.

 

“Pads, I don’t think I handled this well at all…” Remus was looking down at his shorts, too afraid to admit what he did to himself.

 

Sirius knew. He’d seen Remus panic before.

 

“I think you handled it better than last time. And I think next time will be even better.” Padfoot hugged his Moony tightly, nuzzling into his stubbled cheek. “I love you, Moons.”

 

Remus let out a deep sigh. It helped that someone believed in him, especially since he could never manage to believe in himself.

 

“Thanks, Pads…”

 

A calm silence filled the room until Remus suddenly pulled away and spoke up.

 

“Wait, you still haven’t told me about Andromeda! How did that go?”

 

Sirius grinned. He really did love his Moony.

**Author's Note:**

> It's nice to actually be able to see Sirius grow as a character. I think seeing the War firsthand really helped him smarten up. I'm so excited to write what comes next!


End file.
